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Christian
Slator
is Adam, the pseudo mute, antisocial orphan who, as
a child, endured a heart transplant that, as an adult,
he exploits for pity-fucks. When it comes to what girls
want, heart transplanted orphans rank second only to
an actual angel fallen straight from Heaven above.
Marisa Tomei
is the fun loving waitress Caroline. She doesn't know
it yet but her world is about to be turned up-side-down...
by a bus boy. Yes, that's right, a bus boy!
Presently
only coworkers, Caroline happens upon Adam the bus boy
standing over the sink at work staring blankly at his
hand. It is bleeding and apparently he's at a loss for
what to do next. Caroline takes control of the situation
and we the audience are subject to a 2 minute uninterrupted,
character development, psycho babble that goes something
like this:
| “Oh
Adam, you cut yourself. Oh my god, this is pretty
deep. You're gonna need stitches. Hold it like this.
I'm gonna put a Band-Aid on it. You keep it up because...
you know what, lemme wash it. Come with me, I'm
gonna rinse it off. If it doesn't stop bleeding
then, well maybe Jake can take you over to the hospital.
Oh oh, sorry sorry sorry! What do you have all over
your hands? Is it syrup? Or sap? You're over at
that Christmas tree lot during the day, aren't you?
Yeah yeah, I've seen you there... haulin' trees.
You smell like a Christmas tree, he he. Maybe I'll
stick a star on your head huh? I was just kidding. |
Who
is this girl that won't shut up
and why do I love her so? |
|
I used to love the way our Christmas tree smelled
when we were little. Oh brings back memories ya
know. When life was simple. Now my parents put up
this stupid artificial tree. It's so fake. Just
not the same, you know?You just don't talk much
do ya'? Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you talk
to me. Ha! You'll live. I gotta get back to work." |
Following
that ugly display Caroline reenters the restaurant where
she finds herself waiting on 2 very inconsiderate male
customers. To the trained eye they definitely appear
to be trouble. How can I tell? Not only are they both
wearing black leather gloves (which they neurotically
tug at for the camera) but they both smoke! Certainly
not the tender heart transplant dreamboats our
Caroline favors.
They do their best to "pick her up" but to
no avail.
Strolling
home late that evening, Caroline is being followed by
these 2 guys. They approach her to express their frustrations
about not being liked by her. It turns into a chase
and they soon catch her. These 2 buddies then begin
the standard protocol for a textbook PG-13 rape-in-the-park
(throw girl to ground, unzip blouse half way down leaving
bra in tact, slam victim's head on ground to stop the
screaming and paw at face with gloved hand... while
the drinking buddy watches?).
Enter Adam
the bus boy to save the day! Heroically sucker punching
them both, Adam makes easy work of incapacitating
the bad guys. Then he picks up an unconscious Caroline
and carries her not to a hospital or police station
or a rape victim's counseling facility, but to the porch
swing at her home.
If you are
ever lucky enough to save a girl getting raped, hang
around until she regains consciousness! If she doesn't
know that you saved her life she ain't gonna put out!
Adam plays this card perfectly! He doesn't wake the
parents or run for help, he simply lays her down and
anxiously waits for his title of "Hero" to
be recognized. When she awakens, Adam plays it cool.
Keeping his distance he makes sure she sees him then
he runs away. This guy is a pro!
A week later
when Caroline finally returns to work Adam plays his
trump card. Making sure he is within her eye shot, Adam
changes his shirt parading his trophy heart transplant
scar. The fish was in the boat, all he had to do was
wack her with the oar!
Walking her home that evening, Adam woos her with a
head full of shooting star trivia. This however does
not distract her enough to come home with him. Still
a bit rape-shy, Caroline makes up an excuse and beelines
it home.
OK, now the
next tactic Adam uses is a little more on the risky
side and will usually only work in a scripted movie
environment. During the night while she's sleeping,
Adam breaks into her home, sneaks into her room and
puts a Christmas tree at the foot of her bed. In my
experience, recent rape victims will not respond well
to this "gesture of love". However, in the
movies it'll get you the female lead at your doorstep
with fresh baked cookies. Go figure.
So now they're
in love. Wait a minute, we're only halfway through the
movie? Oh Christ! Are the rapists going to return and
avenge their foiled sexual deviance?! Answer: Yes.
Late the
following evening, while Adam is taking out the garbage
at work, the 2 guys return to even the score... like
rapists so often do. Don't they realize that they're
just encouraging boatloads of sympathy sex for him?!?
After beating
him up and stabbing him, Adam bravely stumbles into
the restaurant, collapsing at Caroline's feet. Then
after only a day in the hospital, he leaves early, buys
flowers and shows up at her doorstep again! Sorry guys,
this is what it takes.
From here
we are dragged through a passing-of-time collection
of key love moments put to a Bruce Hornsby instrumental.
It concludes with them at a hockey game and Adam catching
a puck followed by slow motion embrace. At this point
my pants were soaked with urine.
On their
drive home from the game I found myself praying for
Lestat to leap out of the back seat and devour Christian
and that whipped heart of his. But no, Adam falls asleep
and that pathetic, struggling, little heart stops ever
so gently. I'll take what I can get.
So there
you have it. Perfect love. And with the smile Marisa
is sportin' at the conclusion of this flick, we come
to realize that it couldn't have ended better.
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